By Rabbi Yosef Abrahamson
“Make for yourself a teacher and acquire for yourself a friend, and judge each person favorably.” Rabbi Yehoshua Ben Perachya
One of the biggest sources of conflicts for me the last few weeks was trying to untangle my social life- which is always fun to do, right? While I was doing this and engaging in some of the most difficult arguments I’ve ever had with people, I started wondering about why some people insisted on being called friends when so many of their actions told me they wanted to be acquaintances.
For those who don’t know, the dictionary defines an acquaintance as “someone whom one knows but is not particularly close with”, while it defines a friend as “someone whom you are connected with by affection or personal regard” (to my fellow men please refer to “The Bro Code”).
On average, the majority of relationships people call friendships are in truth defined as being acquainted. Some people do have large circles of friends, and for those who do more power to them, but the issue I had with a lot of people is when they act like we’re friends when a lot of things points to that not being the case…
For example, I had a fight with a close friend about which one of us was responsible for keeping in touch. Their argument was that they didn’t have time to be responsible for keeping in touch with me and mine was that each person in a friendship has to give a certain amount of effort to keep in touch. I don’t expect it to be equal obviously given the fact that life is different for different people. However, if someone says they are my friend yet never makes any attempt to contact me and expects me to do all the work then to me that’s defined as an acquaintance. What’s worse was that this friend ultimately refused to ever contact me and said it was totally on me. I truly hope my friendship can one day resume with this person, but it won’t be because of me reaching out. This was one of the first real instances of someone ever being so blatant with a lack of effort and it helped me understand I shouldn’t have to shoulder the weight all on my own.
Another troubling occurrence is when people mistreat friends. I was taught not only from my family, but also from Judaism that one should always treat their friend as they would treat themselves. Yet over the course of time I have seen some truly terrible actions that made me re-analyze who I would even want to associate with. To me nothing is worse then when a friend breaks their word to you. A person’s word is all they have; it’s the most delicate form of credibility, so when I trust a friend with something and they break their word it’s really hard for me to re-open the friendship. If I do and they break it again then being an acquaintance is the least of their worries.
Yet another troubling action is when a friend shares troubles with me, but then doesn’t return the favor when I would need them. I don’t claim to be a problem solver, but I am blessed that a lot of people have trusted me enough to share stuff over the years and it’s unfortunate that a few of them have not had my back when I was the one seeking an ear.
Some of this might sound like very petty for a guy to deal with, but I can tell you I don’t know too many guys who haven’t shared problems with friends no matter how macho they are. Of course every friendship is different. I have some friends who I only talk to once in a blue moon, but that is the nature of our own friendship and when we hang out we buddy around like we are neighbors. At the same time I have other relationships that aren’t like that and are built around talking frequently. Ff at any point one of us weren’t keeping in contact enough for the other then that person should be mindful of it and do more to stay in touch. That’s what good friends do- they work with each other so that conflicts don’t become too big and resentment never builds.
Lately I have been bringing it up to certain people that their behavior has not been up to the standard that I set for my friendships and a lot of times I have been called an instigator or told I was expecting too much. To that I can only say this…
Don’t call yourself my friend then.
I expect my friends to keep their word to me when they give it and to make an effort to keep in touch as much as our friendship dictates. If that is a problem then there is nothing at all wrong with being acquaintances, but then don’t call us friends. That title is reserved for those who have lived up to it and thank G-d I have been blessed to have an amazing group of friends. I truly hope this doesn’t offend anyone because I do my best to value every person in my life friend or acquaintance, but there should never be any confusion about those two titles.
Quick tips on friendship:
- Not every friendship is the same. Some people talk less and some more, but if your friend ever feels like you’re not giving them the time of day or aren’t putting effort into the friendship that’s a problem. It’s important to evaluate if you’re doing your part.
- Don’t ask too much. People need space, but make sure that you aren’t the only one carrying the load (also important for romantic relationships heh heh).
- If a friend needs to talk to you about problems don’t treat it lightly or act annoyed that they are doing this. Nobody likes hearing non stop complaining and if that’s what’s happening, it’s ok to let them know, but always in a nice way. If that person is talking to you it’s because they probably really need someone to open up to and you never know when you will need the same thing.
- Always keep your word. A person is only as good as their word and a friend who breaks trust is a disgrace to the definition. Live with honor.
The Abrahamson Family 